Accountability Matters
Whether we are held accountable or ultimately take responsibility for our own actions defines us and affects everyone around us … forever and ever.
On a recent trip to New York City, my wife and I attended a Broadway show. She is a retired public school teacher, who taught government and U.S. history for 20 years, and I’m a business and technology consultant, recovering from 20 years of childhood physical and emotional abuse — an odd thing to share in an opening paragraph, I grant you. I hope its relevance will become clear.
Despite the terms of service clearly presented (and therefore accepted) during the ticket purchase process and printed on the tickets themselves, multiple signs outside and in the lobby, and several announcements, the woman seated behind us began recording the show on her phone. An usher appeared and insisted that she stop and that she delete the illegal video from her phone. She refused, and a rather loud and lengthy argument ensued.
“Entitled Karen Busted on Broadway” isn’t a story I’d bother writing in late 2023 and certainly not something I’d waste your time with here. We’ve all seen too many examples of outrageous behavior on airplanes, in restaurants, etc. The shocking part for us was the dialog between the woman and her young daughter after the usher left in disgust.
“And he can’t make you show him what’s on your phone ’cause that’s ‘invasion of privacy’, right, Mommy?”
Wow. These little monsters aren’t just observing and imitating their parent’s reprehensible behavior; they’re being actively coached to reach their own new depths of antisocial behavior with zero accountability as Mommy and Daddy fiercely defend their indefensible actions.
I weep for the future.
What Is Accountability/Responsibility?
Merriam-Webster defines “accountability” as “an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions”.
To me, external forces like parents, peer groups, society, etc attempt to hold us accountable — often for the clear, pragmatic (even existential) common good, like not yelling “Fire!” in a crowded movie theater. Over time, as we grow and (hopefully) mature, we may decide which rules we’ll follow and which we’ll ignore, and along with each decision we take on the corresponding responsibility for the consequences of our actions.
Whether we agree to this or not, those consequences still exist and may be applied to us. If I choose to ignore speed limits, I understand that I’m accepting the responsibility for my decision, which may arrive in the form of a speeding ticket.
Ideally, this process forms an increasingly intentional continuum starting with early, externally-imposed accountability and growing into more mature internally-imposed responsibility.
In addition to painful experience, introspection with radical honesty can lead to sound insight and decision-making, and self-discipline can then lead to consistent right action, defined as what is best for you and for others.
The mommy-daughter felony coaching session continued, by the way, until I turned around and said, “Please stop talking” to the little girl.
Mommy said, “She wasn’t talking!” to which I replied, “Yeah, just like you weren’t recording” which put her on her heels for a second. Then she abruptly switched tactics (and “realities”) with “She won’t talk any more.” Ah, so she WAS talking. And a weak, reflexive “Mind yer business” parting shot.
News flash, Karen, this IS my business — mine and everyone else who paid hundreds of dollars for good theater seats to see and hear the production, not to hear you and your devil spawn plot the downfall of society, m’kay?
Overstatement? Take a look around you, and connect some dots.
Teachers are leaving the classroom in record numbers because parents are no longer imposing discipline on their kids at home or holding them accountable when they cross the line at school. People can no longer enjoy a meal or entertainment in public because “Mind yer business!” or worse. Airplanes are forced to land because grown-ass adults are behaving like dangerously spoiled children. Our elected officials are largely incompetent, inveterate liars who, when they’re not soliciting bribes … errr, I mean “fundraising”, spend their time being outraged and seeking political vengeance for supposed slights and imagined wrongs. How has it come to this? Bad parenting and a lack of willingness to be instructed by painful experience and to introspect honestly in order to gain sound insight, make valid decisions, and apply self-discipline to bring about consistent positive action.
So what can be done?
Change must start at home, and by that I mean with you. You will immediately (and quite correctly) be called out for hypocrisy if you begin to try to hold your kids accountable without first putting your own life in order.
I did it. After 20 years of abuse, I was a mess, but I recognized the pattern and the propensity to pass it on to my own children, and I took the difficult actions needed to heal myself, to stop blaming other people, to accept responsibility, and to protect my kids from what I’d been through myself.
It was hard. But as I look at my happy, stable, successful kids, it’s the accomplishment of which I’m most proud.
We can’t change the past, but you can help to make the future better.